Let's clear some things up before I begin.

This is an OPEN platform for expression. Don't be afraid to speak out.
Please be respectful to each other. Everyone should feel welcome.

Perfect. Now that's out of the way. Hey, my name is Matthew Maldonado. Several of you may or may not have heard of me. Either one is great. If you are reading this, I'm very grateful for you to take part in this journey with me.

To be honest, I'm not a professional writer or blogger. These are authentic thoughts of my own. So let me start with a question: Have you ever felt like you let yourself or others down?

Yes (pictured above), that is me. Yes, that is a cheesy portrait. Yes, it's dramatic. Recently I've been jamming to a new hip hop artist, NF. I actually heard of him before, but never really took interest. About a month ago, I heard his song Let You Down on the radio for the first time. Mind you, I never listen to the radio. I'm usually listening to a solid mix of orchestral and hip hop (more on that later) on Spotify.

I noticed that the song was lyrically beautiful and surprisingly more real than most of the music I hear on the hit's radio station, let alone majority of radio stations. I. Was. Hooked. Naturally, I began with his first album and working my way to his most recent album Perception, which is the same album that Let You Down is featured on.

Aside from the beautiful lyrics and the bad-ass beats, his authenticity really captivated me. In fact, it motivated me to write what you see now. I appreciated the story each album conveyed and his message he spreads so openly. It touches on the facets of society, industry, and even religion. As a spiritual man myself, I can relate to his perspective.

Okay, let's put my fake face on and pretend now
Sit around and talk about the good times
That didn't even happen
I mean, why are you laughing?
Must have missed that joke
Let me see if I can find a reaction
No, but at least you're happy

What his song Let You Down made me realize was that I did internally feel that I've let down so many people, myself included. My mind suddenly became overwhelmed with disappointment, anger, and regret.

The picture above shows me at one of my lowest points in my life. Admittedly, I'm still dealing with the pain. I've found that it's a part of the process and I have to "deal" with it. That part, I'm still trying to find out yet. Anyhow, I'm sharing this because I feel I'm not the only one who feels this way.

So now you have this terrible feeling in your gut. You feel worthless, like you can't amount to anything. You feel as if the world would be a better place without you. That it would be easier if your very existence was wiped from the world. Sounds ridiculous, but if you've read this far then that means the thought has crossed your mind a time or two.

Here's where things get heavy, so read carefully. Now you tell others and the world how you feel, awaiting the perfect response of how to handle this situation before it escalates. You may pray. You may vent. They tell you "oh, everything is going to be okay" or "just do something that makes you happy". What if you don't know what "okay" really is or what truly makes you happy?

The most helpful response I have ever received for this just hit me out of nowhere. All of a sudden, it started making more sense to me. So here it is. What most don't tell you is the importance of acceptance. Yep, cliche as hell so apologies for that. That's the hard truth. I meditated on that, spoke to myself, and found something even deeper. The quote is this:

"I won't tell you it's going to be okay. I will tell you that it's okay to feel this way."

At the end of the day, we are HUMAN. We're built off of emotion and feelings. Yes, it's always reassuring to hear that everything is going to be okay. That's not going to get you to the next step though. YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT HOW YOU'RE FEELING. This is going to come off harsh, but it needs to be stated for better understanding. If you feel that you let yourself or others down, then you probably have at some point.

To further this fact, don't put that on yourself! We all have different expectations. So how in the world could you meet everyone's expectations perfectly? My point here is that you could do everything perfectly, and people would still find other things to be let down by.

I'm no expert. I'm not certified in psychology. I'm only one person out of millions that deal with mental struggle. As I said in the beginning, this is a journey. The photo you saw above isn't that much off from how I still am today. Sure things have gotten better, but I'm only moving to the next phase after acceptance...adaptation.

This is only a glimpse of my story. My goal isn't to throw pity parties for myself. I'm acknowledging my shortcomings and using those as catalysts for helping myself and others I can potentially impact. Together, let's rid of the facade and own up to ourselves. Then and only then will we allow growth in our lives.

- Matt