A Clean Slate.
I’ve been so busy searching for gold that I neglected the silver lining…and it was there the whole time.
Quote of the week:
“Begin with that most terrifying of all things, a clean slate.”
Today is a celebration. It is a new day…a gift.
I wanted to preface this post with something so simple that we take for granted most days. It is a reminder that no matter where you are in life, you’re alive, and that’s something worth celebrating. Okay, enough filler. Onward.
I spent a large amount of time trying to rationalize how I would write this post. Figuring out the logistical structure, talking points, etc. I changed my mind though. I’m just going to write because that’s just what I want to do. So, I apologize if this seems unorthodox.
In the past few months, I’ve been on a quest. I’ll explain further, but first, I need to give you some context to the title of this post. If you don’t know this, my profession is film production. Now a “slate”, in filmmaking terms, is the mark of a new scene or take. I titled this post A Clean Slate because that’s exactly where I am in my life.
So, why a clean slate? I need to be honest with you. My posts have been what some have labeled as “depressing” and “sad.” Admittedly, I tend to agree. I reread them a few times and I noticed a common trend: They were mostly negative thoughts and questions. It’s no secret that I sometimes get a bit anxious and worrisome. Through my writing, I have deemed myself with this persona that life is full of void and darkness.
To clarify, I’m not saying that having thoughts or questions is a bad thing. In fact, if I didn’t have all of these uncertainties, I wouldn’t feel the need to write. What I’m saying is that I left out some key pieces. There is so much more. In my sole opinion, I didn’t provide enough construction to criticism. In other words, I felt an unbalance. I acted on impulse, writing my first thoughts as they were without proper considerations; How my readers may be impacted. An example of this is the inconsistencies between posts. I feel that the message I was trying to deliver was a bit muddy due to my emotional surges.
I know this probably seems hypocritical as I’m trying to start a clean slate by putting myself down, but that’s not the case. I want to address the problems I had with my own writing in efforts to developing a solid foundation moving forward. I have to acknowledge this if I want my writing to evolve and grow.
Rhetorical question: What makes this different from previous times? In short, I have proclaimed so many times in my past that I’m hitting the restart button and turning a new leaf. I’m certain that I’m not the only one guilty of this, but this time is wholeheartedly different.
See, in the past I had the words to say, but nothing to solidify them. I merely thought that the power of word itself would be enough. Boy, was I wrong. An example of this would be a post I did in the past, that I deleted, called “BAMF.” In this post, I stated my incredible amount of energy to my artistry and how bad-ass I felt. In real life, I only produced one cinematic short film in three months. I didn’t write. I didn’t pursue hobbies. I was stagnant and not recognizing that my own words were destroying me. At the time, it was only a temporary “solution” that didn’t help me at the slightest. I simply kept telling myself that things would get better and that my mind would heal itself. Self-affirmation is a great thing, but only when ordained by something greater than just words. It wasn’t until recently that I rediscovered that the true power of word comes from action.
Arguably, this past year and a half was one of the most trying times in my life. I felt that there was no remedy or cure. I felt incoherent and no sense of belonging. I will digress for just a moment and say that I AM NOT comparing my experiences to others. I understand that so many people in this world have problems they face. These are MY feelings, MY trials, MY tribulations. This is separate as I pay respects to those who have struggled far worse than myself.
Anyhow, I share these things to show you that I am not perfect. I feel that it’s my way to help put some reality back into a world that seems too fictitious. I now understand that my platform isn’t a place for depravity. I willingly put my heart on the line to hopefully enrich the people around me. That’s what this is about. These are the roots as to why I started writing in the first place, not to make you think of myself or yourself less.
This brings us to the clean slate, a fresh start. This time is different because action is now the forefront of everything I say. I felt this shift that I couldn’t neglect and needed to act. To prove this, rather than telling you that “these are the things I’m going to do”, I’ve already begun. For the past few weeks, I’ve been on what I call a “platform purge.” Every platform that I have from this website to social media has been rid of elements that I find toxic or depriving to my development: Removing failed YouTube accounts/videos, deleting old blog posts, ridding unnecessary social media content, contacts, and more. This is only the tip of the iceberg.
In a sense, I’m setting my new stage. I want to make known that my life isn’t full of drama, negativity, darkness, or void. This is one part of my life that I so happen to share the most of. Now I want you to experience the joyous sides of my life too. I won’t deprive myself, nor this platform, the opportunities to still discuss or vent about the hard times. However, with that on the table, I also have to remember to talk about the good times.
Humbly speaking, I have so many aspects in this life to be grateful for. I live in an amazing apartment. I have finally found a style and a decor that I enjoy. I found more hobbies that I want to pursue. I have ambitious goals that I want to achieve. I discovered purpose in my work. I even found gratitude in the opportunities that have provided growth. Life has many lessons and I know I haven't even scratched the surface.
I want to dedicate a most sincere thanks to those whom have stuck with me through everything. Supporting my work, my articles, my thoughts, my ups and downs...all of it. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but that doesn't matter anymore.
I have found something far greater than gold. The silver lining has been deeply rooted in everything I do through my faith and my heart. I truly care about people and find joy in helping them, but I have to take care of myself. I am finally doing things for ME. You’ll see more of this later on as I introduce more new material that I’m excited to share.
In closing, I also want to provide a resource that helped me through this process. It is a book titled Unfu*k Yourself. This book is written by Gary John Bishop and has been a tremendous resource to giving me the perspective I needed in this fresh start. It provides tools to help guide your self-worth and skills to help train a better mindset. I encourage you read and hopefully you can find some value from it’s pages as I did.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post and I’m excited for the next one!
All the best,
Matthew A. Maldonado