As some of you may or may not know, this upcoming week was supposed to be the week of my wedding.

Friday, June 8th of this year was the date.

Let me remind you that this platform exists for two reasons. The first is to allow myself express my mind and heart openly. The other is to allow clarity for others that may be facing similar matters in their lives.

Honestly, this post is very hard to make. If I was to describe what I'm feeling this very moment, fear would be the first word that comes to mind. I believe that in self-transformation, being vulnerable is essential though. I sometimes worry about what others may think or if I may seem like a failure.

Quote of the week:

“It is strange how often a heart must be broken before the years can make it wise.”

— Sara Teasdale

Let me address this right away. I'm not crazy. I'm not going off the deep end. If you keep up with me via social media, then you'll notice I've been posting more than usual. It's because more than ever, I am devoted to a life that matters (fun fact, this struck an idea for something amazing in the future).

Now, to not forget, I am human just like everyone else. This past week I have shed a few tears. I have lost sleep. My thoughts are busier by the day. I mean, let's be honest...how does one cope with the trauma of a break up? As I've said in my previous posts, it's okay to feel that way. That's emotion, which is such a gift that we have been given in my opinion.

Imagine this. All of your friends and family are in committed relationships. You're surrounded by what seems to be a never-ending reminder that you are in fact, alone. You of course love them dearly, but sometimes it's difficult to see so much of what you want most. That's right. I want to be married. I want kids. I want the full package. I want the feeling that I once had, but multiplied by a thousand times, and then some.

I live alone (not a bad thing at all). Mix that in with a troubled heart, then it is the perfect recipe for thoughts to be consumed. I'll break down some of those thoughts for you:

I feel ashamed that I couldn't save my soon-to-be marriage.
I feel as though I could have been better. Done better.
I have to cut dinner portions in half while cooking because there's one person instead of two.
There is one toothbrush instead of two.
The only good morning texts I wake up to are that of my unread emails through the night.

You get the picture. Again, these are THOUGHTS. They haven't been manifested into problems for me until recent. I don't want you to think this is a pity party for myself. Don't feel bad for me because I'm right where I'm supposed to be, even if I can't see that yet. Obviously it's difficult for me to see at this moment because every ounce of me questions the God I praise daily of why this has happened to me.

This isn't to bash God. I feel I have the right to ask. I seek happiness and joy. That isn't such a bad thing, is it? I've learned though that life has it's own agenda. I feel that God wanted me to learn. I don't know what the exact lesson is, but I feel as though I have grown for what seems to be for the better.

Regardless of where your faith lies, life happens. In my own experiences, God has shown me grace and understanding like a good father does. A good father also wants what's best for his children. This is a segue into my next point.

Disclaimer: I'm not here to push God on you or say what is right or wrong. For those of you that don't believe, I love you the same. Don't think for even a second that this is to eradicate non-believers in my messages. I only intend to write for me and to allow you to take away what you want.

With that being said, today I made myself some breakfast. A hearty meal that included scrambled eggs, oatmeal with blueberries, and a good ole glass of orange juice. I'm terrible at eating breakfast, but I reflected on my "love yourself" post and decided I need to keep my body nourished. I set up the table, lit a candle, dimmed the lights, and played some of my favorite cinematic tracks on Spotify. Not bad for a Sunday morning, eh?

I sat at the table with my morning assortment and decided I needed to bless the food. As a spiritual man I admit that I struggle with consistent prayer. I often tussle with this because during the good times I simply don't prioritize and during the bad times I come up with excuses. Any who, I intended to say a quick prayer, eat, and go on with my day. The irony is that in these moments of "quick prayer", revelations hit me.

As I began to pray, I was overcome with the need to pray beyond just the food. I prayed for my day. I prayed for wisdom and guidance. I prayed for my friends and family. You know, the usual...I then found myself begin to tear up. Not gonna lie, I'm actually tearing up as I'm writing this. The impact here was far greater than any prayer I've ever experienced, and I felt I needed to share. Again, regardless of your faith I feel as though I can share this beautiful moment with you. It went a little something like this:

God, allow me to bask in your presence today. I feel something I need to get off my chest. I'm struggling. I just simply don't know what to do or how to feel. My heart is heavy and I just need you. I need help. I still don't know why my engagement and soon-to-be marriage failed. In fact, the only explanation I received from it was that you told her that this wan't meant to be, which left me nothing but void and pain. I still think about it, especially this past week. I don't know what you have planned, but I actually want to say something that I've never said before. I want to pray for my future wife. As I sit here, I know she'd be proud of me because she knows how terrible I am at eating breakfast every day. I just hope she's having an amazing morning as well. I just want nothing but the best for her.

At this moment is where I began to break down.

Is it possible to love someone so much that you don't know or haven't even met? I just want to meet her so much. To hold her. To be with her. I want to cook breakfast for her, even if she knows that I'm not the best cook around. There's just something in my heart that wants to say some words for her. I want her to know that I'm here and that I'm working hard. I know she just looks so beautiful this morning with the sun shining through her hair. I don't mean to get all mopey. I just felt the need to speak. Please be with her. Please bless her in the days to come. To the days leading up to us meeting if we haven't already. To the days of us being together. To the days of our children growing. To the days of us growing old together. Thank you Lord, for allowing me to speak what's on my heart. I just want her to feel this in her heart as well.

So there it is, the condensed morning prayer to my future wife. Yes, I'm an emotional dude. Some may even say that it's a weakness or unattractive. I honestly don't care. There's more to life than trying to please the likes of someone that doesn't see me for me and appreciate it. This prayer is personal to me, but I felt like I needed to share. It's powerful when you find your spiritual plane because the potential afterwards is unimaginable. It motivates. It creates. It inspires. It energizes. This just shows how much I care. You best believe that I will give the world to this woman.

Those tears I shed this morning were not of evil. It revealed that I TRULY know what I want. It put to rest any doubts I had about the plan for marriage. If I'm to be more specific, I want a daughter. It's a beautiful thing when your thoughts are in tandem with your spirit. So with this, I encourage you: Whether it's a prayer or simply speaking out loud, allow your thoughts to align with your spirit. Why? Because that's the core to our happiness. Too often we forget about our inner spirit and spend too much time or too less time worrying about our mental happiness. I'm not saying it's not important. Far from actually. I'm saying there are other components to your body. Your soul is one of them.

To summarize, just take the time and really concentrate on aligning your mind with your spirit. I'm not saying that it will be a cakewalk from here on for me just because of this one experience. This is merely a foundation now moving forward, knowing that I won't settle for anything less than what I felt this morning. Open up. ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE VULNERABLE. In the midst of that, I think you'll tap into some amazing aspects about yourself that you have yet to discover. Discipline yourself in patience. Take a walk in nature. Watch a sunset. Gaze the stars. Count the seconds before you fall asleep. I can't tell you specifically how to do it, but when you do, your heart will let you know. God bless and until the next post, see you soon!

-Matt