From Stars To Self.

You know, for the entirety of my writing “career,” I’ve been trying to find my identity on the page. This comes with a lot…A LOT of failed attempts at articles, songs, poetry, and so on. Those haven’t seen the light of day. In a truly cliché manner, I’m constantly asking myself what kind of writer I want to be. Much like many other areas in real life, I’m still trying to figure it out. So, here’s another attempt at something…yeah, something.

I honestly don’t know why this is difficult for me. Wow, if only you could see what a non-straight face I wrote that with. Let’s see, I’m kind of a perfectionist. I know, it’s insane…an artist who’s also a perfectionist!? Cliches have always kind of been my thing and I accept it. As I’m writing this, I’m still trying to figure out the direction I’m going. Fact, I’m slightly directionally challenged. I can’t, for the life of me, know where I’m going. This is even more factual when I’m driving. Anyways, I’m just trying to write something meaningful I guess.

It’s Friday night, currently 12:47 AM, and I’m sitting up in my bed. I had a late start to the evening because my projects wouldn’t render in adobe. One thing about adobe software is I can always count on learning patience. My fellow artists can probably understand. Today also marks a week on my new diet change. Yep, almost 30 so might as well get back into good shape. It hasn’t been perfect I admit, but it’s a start.

One thing that really motivated me to write tonight was actually a film. It’s called ‘Me and Earl and the Dying Girl.’ In short, this movie is about a high school filmmaker who is forced to hang out with this girl who has cancer. This is a fantastic film by the way, so go check it out. As I watched this movie I couldn’t help but notice that I saw a lot of myself in this main character; a young aspiring filmmaker dude who's just trying to survive high school by playing things low-key and moving in the shadows.

Now to most he seems like an average, weird kid. Okay, he’s definitely more unique than most. Throughout the film, part of his dynamic was his struggle with positive self image. He often took his mistakes as an expectation of himself, as if that’s all he was ever used to thinking. Those parts of the movie are what resonated with me the most. He really doesn’t even try to hide this either. Oddly, it’s almost as if he’s flaunting this quality of his. At first the girl he’s hanging out with laughs at these remarks, but then eventually talks sense into him that it isn’t healthy.

So, here we are.

I’ll be honest with you here. This component of my life has been the most difficult. My own self image has always been a bit more on the negative scale, especially in recent years. On a more positive note though, I do feel that I’m making progress; kind of like how we made progress to go to the Moon! Okay, perhaps that might be a reach for comparison, but that’s what it’s all about. Right?

Well, my journey to the Moon has had a few failed launches of it’s own. To stick with this metaphor, why did we even want to go to the Moon in the first place? I know there’s more than one reason. We wanted to win the space race. We wanted to take a leap in what humanity is capable of and as John F. Kennedy once said: “We choose to go to the Moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard.” Really the biggest takeaway here for me is the intent to do something with the knowledge that it is hard. I think it’s rather poetic, yet daunting.

When I was little, I was infatuated with space. I wanted to learn everything about it. My parents told me stories of when I was able to say all of the planets in order before I was even in preschool. I vaguely remember when I was around five years old that I had a particular interest in the planet Venus. I don’t know why or where this interest came from and neither did my Mom. Bless her heart, she used to wake up with me every morning around 5:00 AM and read my Venus book with me while we looked out at the sky to see it. They say it’s the brightest star in the night sky.

What’s so crazy to me is that I was so sure of what I wanted to do at that young age. I felt as if I knew everything and nothing would stop me. Fast forward 20ish years and here I am with the same love for space, though much has changed. First off, I don’t wake up at 5:00 AM every morning to look at Venus. By societal standards, that might make me a crazy person. Not to mention I’m kind of a night owl now as opposed to my early years of the early bird. However, I just realized it is the “night” sky, so I suppose I could still do this in my evenings instead. Aside from that very interesting fact about myself, I’m the same kid and I miss him sometimes.

Some of the most tranquil moments in my life are when I’m walking at night, gazing at the blanket of stars. I sometimes still see Venus and think back to a simpler time. Though these moments also come with brief interludes of existential crises. What is my purpose here? Am I doing the right things with my life? Things of that sort, all from dang stars.

Hear me out. This isn’t a depressing episode where I am reaching for pity in an effort to feel better about myself. Truth is I’m doing alright and better than most, considering the current state of the world. I have emotions like everyone else, though some may see my openness as a sign of weakness. That’s okay though as I’m not doing this to appease anyone. At least, not anymore.

That kid who used to watch Venus every morning with his Mom at 5:00 AM is now a man who has his own place, his own car, his own motorcycle, and his own businesses. That man is also an artist who enjoys the fruits of writing, music, filmmaking, and photography. He’s not the best at it, but he’s still learning. He gets self conscious sometimes about putting his art out to the world because he grew up in that same world that judged him for simply smiling. I see this man everyday in the reflection of the mirror, noticing blended looks of fatigue and radiance. I feel that his heart is in the right place, but his overthinking mind leaves him clouded sometimes. He’s social and yet likes time to himself. I can tell he likes to please people and seems to fall short sometimes, which leaves him prone to void. His happiness seems to be at the highest when the ambiance is just right.

If anything I’ve said above is a good indication, I’m not perfect. Let’s clear some air here. I know opening up isn’t the easiest thing for people. It’s vulnerable and can be terrifying. Here, allow me to demonstrate with some things I haven’t quite opened up about…rapid fire style in no particular order.

After committing to a life of faith, I had my first and only one night stand. I felt so guilty because it wasn’t like me and there was a great sense of conflict within my heart.

I bought a pickup once and returned it three days later because of remorse. I was so embarrassed having to bring it back to the dealership because I didn’t commit to the decision I had made. Not to mention I posted it online and had to take it down.

I was engaged for only a few short months before ultimately breaking up. Also super embarrassing after having to explain it to all of the people in my life. During that time I was self conscious. I was present, but wasn’t showing up where I needed to.

Those are just a handful of moments in my life in which I wasn’t perfect. I screwed up. Here’s another cliché…I was young and stupid. I can say that because I’ve learned a great deal since then.

Would I ever think that the same kid that won the “Most Jesus-Like Heart” award in kindergarten would be the same kid who did things so senselessly? Could I ever imagine that the same kid that had the confidence to interrupt a Martina McBride concert in front of thousands of people would be the same kid who struggled with self image? Could I predict that the same kid that ran track every day for five years straight during school hasn’t ran a mile in over six months?

The answer to all of these questions is a definite no. It goes to show how much one person can change in a short time. I’ve made my mistakes, but this is a continuation of making peace with them. I’m sure most people that were a part of these have forgotten about them. I think too much, so that would probably explain why they’re still at the forefront of my thoughts.

To bring this full circle, I wanted to write something meaningful…something real. I strive to contribute to something more grounded instead of flaunting my life. These are real emotions, real thoughts, and real words. I wouldn’t say it otherwise. My own journey to the Moon is way different than what we did in the 60s, but the premise remains the same. I don’t wish for an easy life, but I’d be lying if I said I always didn’t. I’m still that kid that looked at the stars all those years ago, but I’m learning more than I ever thought I would…sometimes through the hard ways. That guy who looks in the mirror is making strides to be a better man every day and has come further than he ever thought he would. Who knows, maybe someday he’ll actually be able to make it up to space and see what all the hype is about. Hey NASA, if you’re reading, I’d gladly take that opportunity.

I really appreciate you taking the time to read and I hope you were able to take something away from this for yourself personally. I’m not doing this to become the next Shakespeare or J.R.R. Tolkien. My identity on the page is this: I’m the first Matthew. Kind of like the first Neil Armstrong touching down on the Moon, except not that exactly. I want to be a reminder that you don’t have to be perfect to be better. One of my favorite quotes ever speaks of this: “With the world so set on tearing itself apart, it doesn't seem like such a bad thing to me to want to put a little bit of it back together.”